Poor Ol' Me and Politics of Correctness

We finished with the British Council course today. By the end of it, I was told that I am nothing like a true Saggitarian, whatever that is, and I didn't really mind that. I've never really fit under any stereotype, not much anyway.

Another thing they said was that I'm too politically correct. I see where they are coming from but I still tend to disagree. When, in my defense, I claimed that I was just a nice person, I was given an answer which was amusing and probably even true: "Saying that you are nice is just a politically correct way of saying that you are politically correct."

So much for all my niceties over the past two months! (See, see, I'm being mean now, I'm not politically correct.)

Off To The Past

The new session at IITK begins in a week. I've been out of the place for nearly three months now, and it still feels strange that I won't be going back to it. I already miss the energy, the excitement of the new academic year, the expectant faces of the newly admitted students, the assured walk of the seniors, the smiles at meeting friends after three long months, the chaos, the noises, the warm hugs, the formal handshakes, new hostels every year, classes, new courses, the plans of starting fresh and studying this time around - I miss all of it.

I gave four very important years of my life to IITK, and although initially I was unhappy and dissatisfied, I came to learn to like it, and now, IITK defines a major part of my identity. It has given me more than I could have imagined, or hoped for and for that, I shall be eternally indebted to the institute. I wish to go back there, for the freedom that it provided me, to pursue any and everything that I liked. I want to roam around on the impeccable campus roads in the evening when the faculty kids come out to play, past midnight when it is all quiet and breezy, in the sultry afternoons when the walk became more purposeful.

Yet, going back would mean giving up on a lot of new things that await me. More importantly, it doesn't seem worth it to go back to a campus devoid of the people who made it worth every moment. No friends to go to, to talk with, to crib to or fight with - how intertwined is the sould of the institute with the people that reside in it. I feel I have lost something if I go to the campus but there are no friends. I feel equally cheated if I go to Mumbai where all my friends are but the campusis far, far away. I have always lived in the past. It is what I am still doing. I want the time in my campus back, the way it was, with the people that were there, when they were there, the way they were there.

A Promise Unfulfilled

I had promised myself to start this blog with a pensive post, the one I’m posting now. I didn’t really get about to writing it properly till today. Thanks to Pritha who kept nagging me and reminding me of my promise to myself. I have not gone into the details but share briefly the anguish and despair at the apathy that prevails. I do not know if I could have done anything to improve the situation. If I could have, and didn’t, I am as much a culprit as the ones I insinuate in this post.

A synopsis of various viewpoints

“She was a morphine addict.”

“No she wasn’t. She was under immense pain.”

“She never let anyone in on her secrets. She never shared. There were no prescriptions found.”

“She shared with me. I knew she had ovarian cists, possibly leading to cancer. She told me, and a few others, about her desires, ambitions, issues at home and everything else.”

“She had no prescription. She was faking it. Why weren’t her parents involved?”

“Her parents were involved. The doctors were the ones who didn’t want to operate on her at this (st)age. Issues of pregnancy later.”

“She didn’t take our help when we offered it. She was too arrogant.”

“She wasn’t. She liked to stay independent. It wasn’t pity that she sought. You offered her help, not friendship.”

“She never attended classes, lied at home, and didn’t even interact much with her batch mates.”

“She couldn’t attend classes because of her health. Whether she lied at home or not is not your concern, and something that cannot be determined anyway. Her interaction was limited to the girls’ hostel as she couldn’t go out a lot due to her physical weakness.”

Official intimation by the Director to the campus community – numerous emails and announcement at the beginning of the convocation (paraphrased)

We sadly announce and deeply mourn the tragic demise of one of the bright students, Toya Chatterjee, Roll Number *****, B.Tech. student of the department of Biosciences and Bioengineering on the night of 30^th May, 2008 in her hostel room. Ms. Toya Chatterjee, Roll Number ***** was a bright and promising student, and is as great a loss to the academic community as it is to her near and dear ones. May her soul rest in peace.

Press release/interviews, talking about the worth of a student of IIT Kanpur, B.Tech. with a GRE score of 1560, an admission offer from Cornell (I think Cornell – the name is irrelevant), and calls from ALL the IIMs. (paraphrased)

Ms. Toya Chatterjee, Roll Number ***** was a weak student and her performance in her courses was not up to the mark. She had failed two courses and was not due to receive the degree at this convocation. Her performance has been a matter of concern for her teachers and friends alike, and repeated attempts to improve the situation had failed.

Talking of ends, some bring respite, some melancholy, some longing, and some simply suck out every feeling, every desire, everything, leaving nothing but a hollowed feeling of emptiness, of helplessness and despair. That was how Toya’s end was. Most of us would have read about it in the newspapers. Toya Chatterjee was a final year student of my batch at IIT Kanpur who committed suicide on the eve of our convocation. I will not go into the reasons behind it. I have given a sneak preview into the various versions that were given to us by friends, professors, administrative officials, and co-students. There is too much speculation and hardly any consensus. We may never know the truth. The certainty with which people enumerate the reasons of her suicide irritates me. Hers was the 7^th suicide in IITK in the past 3 years, and the first suicide by a girl in the history of IITK. It’s the frequency that bothers me as much as the fact that the administration is doing nothing about it as far as I know. Yes, they do take some apparently visible reformatory steps, but they’re all useless, tangential to the real problems that exist. I am not suggesting that those were the problems behind any of these suicides, but if we are trying to weed out problems, we might as well get rid of some real problems along the way.

What hurt me most is the attitude with which the administration at IITK received and projected the death of Toya. I knew she existed in the vicinity but didn’t ever get a chance to talk to her during my 4 years at IIT, yet I think of her as a real person. That’s not how they think of her. In all email notifications regarding her and in the official announcement at the beginning of the convocation, it was always ‘Toya Chatterjee, Roll No. *****, department **** was...’ She is a mere statistic for the institute, one more to the list. Every time in the two days I was there and thereafter, her name was suffixed by her roll number and department, which I found extremely annoying. With such gruesome suicides – she hung herself from the fan in her room while sitting on a chair, another one had lain on the railway tracks at the IIT gate and was beheaded by a train – I would think that they would take some personal interest in the students’ lives, not as administrators saving face of the institute but as humans, teachers, friends. Isn’t the extent of infliction of such pain upon themselves a statement of the fact that we need to change, doesn’t it feel like they are trying to convey a message by taking such drastic steps? Yes, it is a difficult task to bring about change in as big an institute as this, with ways as set as it has, with so many things that could be changed. But we need to make a start somewhere, sometime, and isn’t the effort worth it? It is an institute for the students and if they are not happy, and not just the ones committing suicide, then the entire purpose of the existence of the institute is lost. I couldn’t think of one reason why we shouldn’t start right now.

I sincerely hope that they will treat students like humans and not institute records to be filed away and milked for money as alumni. I don’t know how they will manage it with 4 more IITs being opened when even the land for those has not yet been finalized. IIT Rajasthan is being mentored by IIT Kanpur which means that its students will stay and study at IITK, stretching its already thin resources, and that, when it hasn’t yet been decided which city will be home to IIT Rajasthan. If political pressures, or aspirations, are going to take precedence over human lives, God save the premier institute of education in India.

Feels Like Shedding Skin

I’ve recently finished college, attended my convocation, received my degree in a temporarily exciting but very colonial setting, and am all set to join my job at Schlumberger in Mumbai this September. With such major changes occurring in life, I went to my old blog and found that I had outgrown it. It was, for quite some time, my most beloved belonging. I would at various times of the day go to my blog and scroll up and down, reading and rereading my own writings, good or otherwise. But today, for good or for worse, I don’t feel connected to it in the same way. I feel it is time to move on and hence this blog and this post. There are quite a few new beginnings as some things come to an end.

My earlier blog, where I put my last entry today (go read), will always remain special to me for a variety of reasons, the most important being that it was my first blog. It was the first place that gracefully accepted my tentative forays into ‘writing’, and was instrumental in getting me the much needed inspiration and encouragement from friends and fellow bloggers. It provided me the anonymity of the internet yet it was a strong reflection of my identity. Both the blog and the first attempts at poetry were inspired by Akhil, and that one thing has snowballed into something so big today that it seems almost surreal that there is always a bigger picture, hidden from us, revealed piece by piece over an agonizingly long period of time.

That blog is invaluable to me for having given me some really good friends that, I hope, will last at least one lifetime, if not more. Akanksha was one of my first readers and though we generally share a mutual liking for each other’s work, it has been her world of dreams that has given me the courage to really go and do what I like rather than falling in with the herd. She’s been this ethereal angelic person always hovering somewhere in the subconscious, ever present yet not imposing. Then there was the SRCC group, Amiya, Richa, Ishani, Jayant and Vidur. There’s Rohit, and there’s Sinjini, and then there’s the indomitable Sayandi. I have been lucky to have stumbled upon so many amazing, friendly, talented people, each of whom I adore and respect for their set of qualities, and all of them have unfailingly taught me so many things about life in the course our interactions. It’s been a real pleasure.

All this wouldn’t have been possible but for Akhil. He’s one true role model that all of us should have, and it’s not just the blogging. I won’t write a testimonial for him over here, but suffice it to say that I hold him in the highest esteem. In an age and time when I have a million issues with people in our age group, he’s one who has set higher standards than I’d have thought of. It’s beyond words, so I’ll just shut up.

Welcome to the new blog everyone! :)